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Most schools no longer shy away from the sensitive subject. They’ve probably held classes where they acted out various scenarios about it, maybe even using puppets. No, we’re not talking about birds or bees. The new hot-button issue is bullies.
Of course, it’s crucially important that both children and their parents learn how to deal with bullying, especially in this age of texting, sexting and social networking, when a nasty rumor (or photo) travels with the speed of a mouse click. But what’s often missing from these discussions is education about what to do if your child is the perpetrator.
The typical parental response to an accusation of bullying, say experts, is disbelief and defensiveness. “We’re competitive at pregnancy,” says Kathy Liguori, owner of Tutor Time in Medford and Middle Island. “Parents want their kids to be exemplary; any criticism of their children’s behavior is seen as a personal indictment of their parenting skills. Most times, they simply don’t believe it.”
That’s what happened when Long Islander Ann M. (names have been changed) got a call that her 9-year-old stepson Jack was taunting other kids at his after-school program. “My husband said the teacher was exaggerating,” she says. “Even though we’d gotten similar calls in the past, he just couldn’t accept that his own son would be a bully.”
Ann tackled the issue by speaking calmly with Jack, who blamed another child for encouraging his behavior. “He gets easily frustrated,” she explains. “He’s a large kid, and he has a tendency to use his size to wield power over others.”
Ann told him that he was responsible for his own actions, and that there were consequences. She took away TV privileges for a week, which seemed to work, at least for now. But she has continued to take the issue seriously, enrolling Jack in counseling to help him learn more appropriate ways to manage his anger.
Of course, bullies aren’t always the big kids: They come in all shapes, sizes and sexes. While they’re sometimes loners who come from dysfunctional households, they can also be the star athlete, the straight-A student or the teacher’s pet, with parents who are caring and involved. In fact, a study highlighted in the February 2011 issue of the American Sociological Review reported that, contrary to what we all believe, popular adolescents—but not the most popular ones—are the most likely to bully their peers.
“I see it in my practice all the time,” says Cara Greene, founder and director of Long Island Center for Social Skills in Port Washington. “Teens who are high up in the social hierarchy want to hold onto that status, and they often turn to bullying to rise even higher.” In other words, it’s not the Queen or King Bees who are the bullies, but rather the wanna-Bees.
How Bullying Differs from Normal Conflict
Though old-school thinking often portrayed bullying as a rite of passage—a “boys will be boys” or, just as often, “girls will be girls” attitude—bullying is not the same as the occasional spat among peers.
Mor Keshet, coordinator at the CAPS Bully Prevention Center, a division of the Child Abuse and Prevention Services organization in Roslyn, explains: “Bullying involves a repeated pattern of physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse, including social exclusion. It’s an intentional and unprovoked show of power that’s intended to cause pain or harm.”
According to Johanna Mathieson-Ellmer, director of Safety Education of Big Brothers Big Sisters Long Island, there are several signs that children might be engaging in bullying behavior. Namely:
- Does your child frequently have possessions or money you didn’t give him or her?
- Does he use his physicality to get control of others?
- Is she a poor loser—what Mathieson-Ellmer calls the type of kid “who needs to be right and win at all costs, even with adults?”
Other warning signs: Children who are fascinated with violent entertainment; those who take out their frustrations through taunting or physical aggression with their siblings or animals; and kids who lack compassion, empathy and a sense of personal responsibility.
“Bullies blame others for their actions; they never think it’s their fault,” says Mathieson-Ellmer. “They also tend to be sneaky and try to get away with things when you’re not looking.”
Teach Your Children Well
The best way to keep your child from using bully tactics to gain power is to start teaching them, at a very young age, what is and what isn’t appropriate behavior—in other words, your family’s values.
For young ones, reading books about bullying is a great idea, according to Greene: “Talk about diversity in the world; let them know people are different, that everybody has feelings and that everybody is valuable.”
She also recommends that you keep a close watch on your own behavior. If you speak poorly of others or make fun of someone you met, your child will pick that up. “Parents need to model acceptance and understanding, not only of their children’s feelings but of the feelings of others—even people they don’t particularly like.”
Also, check that your school has a bullying prevention program—and not one that happens once and is over. “These efforts are important, but they have to be followed up on throughout the years,” says Greene. “They can’t be one-shot deals.”
Despite your best efforts, you can’t control every influence on your child. If you’ve received a report that your child’s being a bully, there are things you can do to handle the situation calmly and reasonably (see sidebar for tips).
If you determine that your child has crossed the line from normal conflict to bullying, you do need to take appropriate action. That may include withdrawal of privileges or, in more serious cases, counseling. Ask your school guidance counselor for recommendations.
But as in all parenting situations, let your children know you love them and want to help. “Consequences shouldn’t be criticism or rejection of your child, but rather a focus on how their behavior was inappropriate,” says Mathieson-Ellmer. “When you respond with anger—saying ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and the like—that serves to perpetuate the cycle.”
As Greene puts it, “Bullies aren’t bad kids. You always want to focus on the behavior that’s unacceptable, not the kids themselves.”
Jenna Kern-Rugile, an East Northport freelance writer and mother, is planning to train to become a volunteer to bring bullying education programs into schools through the Bully Prevention Center at CAPS.
How to Respond When Your Child Is Accused of Bullying
While many parents react defensively when told their child’s being a bully, that attitude isn’t going to help resolve the situation, according to Mor Keshet of the CAPS Bully Prevention Center. Your goal is to determine the facts and help your child, says Keshet, who advises parents to respond calmly and follow these tips:
- Take it seriously: Minimizing the behavior will teach your child that hurting others is no big deal and that you accept it.
- Control your anger. Get a complete picture, not a snapshot of the situation. Try to understand the specifics from your child’s perspective.
- Encourage empathy and accountability through constructing a critical dialogue with your child.
- Explore your child’s reasoning behind their behavior: What were they trying to achieve? Brainstorm other ways they can do this without hurting someone.
- Help your child define who they are and how they want to be seen by their peers. Do these behaviors reflect that definition and your family’s values?
- Think about restitutions together. Doing something positive for a peer makes the process action-oriented.
- If their behaviors continue, seek out support to help your child learn appropriate social skills.
- Most important, remember that this is an opportunity to teach your child a valuable lesson, which is your role as a parent.
--Kern-Rugile
For more information:
Big Brothers Big Sisters Long Island: www.bbbsli.org
Island Center for Social Skills in Port Washington: www.licsocialskills.com; 516-816-1285
CAPS Bully Prevention Center, a division of the Child Abuse and Prevention Services: www.capsli.org; bullyhelpline@capsli.org; 516-621-0552, Ext. 109.
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