Why not give our children the things they ask for? Because they’re children. Young children in particular simply want, without discriminating among the possibilities. You don’t have to be in a toy store: take your preschooler to the supermarket and watch as he or she reaches from the cart to grab one brightly colored box or bag after the next. Your young child is unable to choose wisely, unable to remain focused on one desire before the next appears.
Receiving too much, too soon, in conjunction with what is called “overnurturing,” or doing for children what they can do for themselves, encourages them to become self-centered and deters them from developing perseverance, helpfulness, cooperativeness and consideration for others—the valuable character traits on which their adult relationships and happiness will depend.
We’re all guilty of overindulging our kids to some extent, and it’s our love for our children—they can’t have too much love—that inclines us to give them what they ask for. But try to be conscious of how much and how often. Here’s some common sense advice from the experts about managing your child’s demands.
Nancy Olsen-Harbich is a human development specialist at Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County.
Use the N word
Be willing to say “no” when saying “yes” isn’t, ultimately, in your child’s best interest. This means tolerating their being unhappy—sometimes loudly unhappy—when you don’t submit to their demands. In the end, saying yes to keep the peace will be a costly choice. Preschoolers haven’t yet learned the boundaries of budgets and time, or the need to weigh one family member’s needs against the bigger overreaching goals of the family. It’s a parent’s job to set necessary limits, and you’ll be very unhappy if you don’t. A child who always gets his or her way is not an easy or pleasant child to be around.
Empower preschoolers to do for themselves
Even a three year old can bring their finished dish to the sink. Consider the level of service you provide to your children. Yes, they need our help, but “doing for” constantly sends the message that they are not very competent. Put the paper towels where they can reach them themselves to clean up messes, create organized toy storage areas so that they can put things away where they belong. Expecting young children to contribute to the family and their own self-care teaches life skills and builds confidence.
Watch your spending
A small collection of good toys (balls, blocks, trucks, dolls, puppets) gives children tools for learning and exploring through play. A huge collection of toys can create storage chaos and actually result in poorer quality play and concentration – there’s just too much. In addition, having to wait for a holiday or birthday for a special toy can be good practice in delayed gratification, and important concept to understand in adulthood when you must work towards your own goals.
