Where Do Angry Feelings Come From? By Laurie Hollman, Ph.D
As parents, we ’ve all experienced the following at one time or another: one minute your child’s quietly working on math homework; the next she’s exploding in a fit of anger. You may think she’s not understanding the math problems at hand, or that she didn’t make a sports team that day or perhaps was being picked on by another student. But angry explosions usually are a long time in the making. In fact, any of those events may set off an outburst. However, the anger can actually be about an impending divorce, months of friendless loneliness or of feeling like a failure or like she can’t make it socially.
In order to help your child, it’s important to listen and observe. Try to discern the context of the triggering event by first ruling out larger issues. Is the low grade a blip on the screen of sensory processing problems that haven’t been evaluated? (Ask for an occupational therapist or mental health professional to evaluate this.) Is being chosen last for a sporting event a clue to undiagnosed large motor difficulties? (Have a physical therapy evaluation.) Is being picked on by a cooler or larger kid a trigger to loneliness that begins at home when mom and dad are preoccupied with their marital issues?
Beyond the answers to these questions, when children experience frustration and disappointment, help them express it by putting feelings into words, rather than aggression. Discuss the angry outburst without punishment or rejection, but do provide the protective responses that your child needs.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., is a psychoanalyst at 1 Wawapek Rd., Cold Spring Harbor, NY, 11724.
Stemming the Tide of Emotions
Avoid reacting too quickly or impulsively to your child’s sudden release of anger. Instead:
Parents can stop and wait for the outburst to wane, realizing this is an opportunity to get to know your child better and help him through his trouble.
When she feels angry, however, only let the outburst go on for a short while, so she doesn’t lose control and experience being overwhelmed.
Help him shift from aggressive actions to assertive statements. Slow him down with your words, so he can slow himself down with his words.
Often, simply feeling understood is all that is needed. But sometimes a plan for action is in order.
Remember to show your child affection. Sometimes a warm, parental hug can be a great stress reliever, for both you and your offspring.
Your Child’s Able By six to 10 years old, your child’s capable of reaching his own solutions to problems. Encourage him to do so, showing you have faith in him. This will take longer than jumping in with your own solutions, but in the long run, will give your child confidence in tempering his anger.
