They talk back or not at all. They may snap, sulk, sneer or shut you out. Trying to talk with your teen or getting her to talk with you is, well, trying. Preteens and teens, who can spend hours gabbing on the phone or instant messaging their friends, may use just two or three syllables – o.k., whatever, duh – to tell parents everything they need to know: get out of my life. But communication is the key to maintaining parental influence throughout adolescence. Parents can use the three R’s of good communication to better connect with their preteens and teens.
Create the right environment
When you want to have a meaningful conversation with your teen, pick a good time and place. If either of you are stressed or rushed, there’s a good chance a conversation can deteriorate into an argument. Eliminate distractions like TV, friends, even siblings. Drive time, meals, weekends and one-on-one time can provide the right setting to touch base.
Send respectful messages
Teens resent a know-it-all who knows what’s best. On the other hand, they appreciate when their ideas and opinions are acknowledged. When making a request, give teens a choice instead of an ultimatum. When expressing your disapproval or anger, use “I-messages” and avoid making threats.
Be a responsive listener The best way to get your teen to listen to you is to listen to her. Good listening means showing genuine interest, suspending your judgment and reflecting her ideas and feelings instead of your own.
Tim Jahn is the former human development specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County and the father of two.
Surefire communication stoppers
If you want to guarantee that your teen won’t listen or will talk back, try these certified stoppers.
Nagging. They didn’t respond the first time, so it makes perfect sense to say it over and over and over.
Criticizing. Nobody likes to be criticized and teens are especially defensive when parents criticize their appearance or friends.
Threatening. A threat is a dare to a teen and no teen wants to back down. So, mom or dad doesn’t follow through, hence the term “empty threat.”
Moralizing. It’s perfectly okay for a parent to let a kid know when he has done something wrong and expect him to accept the consequences. But when parents take a “high and mighty” approach, they should be unimpeachable; otherwise the hypocrisy will haunt them.
Sympathizing. Parents say things like “I know how you feel” or “I know what you’re going through” in order to show compassion. But a teen doesn’t believe it; often they feel pitied. The best way to show empathy is to be a good listener.
The Tough Issues
Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation have teamed up to sponsor a national campaign to help parents talk with teens about tough topics like sex and drugs. Check it out at http://www.talkwithkids.org/
