By Marcia Byalick and Jennifer Byalick Altman, Psy.D.
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The grandparent-grandchild bond is a powerful one. As many a Long Island grandparent has assumed a major role in helping to raise their grandchildren while their adult children work, the opportunities to spend time together can be plentiful. But since you and your grandchild’s parents may process all kinds of situations differently, sometimes that can lead to unexpected conflicts. When two opinions, both borne of love and concern for the youngest generation, clash, it’s sometimes challenging to remember there really are no wrong answers. This column is our attempt to clarify some of these issues between grandparents and their adult children. Marcia Byalick, a writer long involved in family concerns, and her daughter Jennifer Altman, a school psychologist and mother of two, will answer your questions and comments from their unique perspectives. E-mail Marcia at mbyalick@earthlink.net and look for answers here each month.
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Marcia Byalick is the author of three young adult novels, three self-help books and over a dozen essays in national women’s magazines. She’s taught creative non-fiction and memoir writing at C.W. Post and Hofstra, been a journalist for the Long Island section of The Times, an award-winning columnist for Distinction magazine, a contributor to five Chicken Soup books, and served as the content editor of beinggirl.com., for 11 years. Now she brings her experience and focus to concentrating on the best job she ever had… grandmotherhood. Jennifer Byalick Altman, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Roslyn. She’s also a certified school psychologist who worked in the Roslyn Public Schools for close to a decade. Her specializations include psychological and educational assessment, psychotherapy and educational consultation.
It seems my children never have any problem telling me exactly what they’re thinking, especially if it involves me handling a situation with their kids. But if I want to offer any advice, or give them the benefit of my experience, they’re remarkably thin skinned. If I’m shown that the way I handled a particular situation wasn’t the best way, I admit it, apologize if necessary, and thank them for their input. Why can’t they do the same?
Ah, expectations… the kiss of death… bound to lead to disappointment and anger. It’s really easy to tell your kids they’re doing something wrong. But don’t. Often, it’s not what you say but how you say it (how many times did you tell your kids that?) that’s the difference between disaster and success. Before you offer “the benefit of your experience,” try beginning with one of these comments.
“Don’t worry; you’re doing a wonderful job of being a parent.” Your children are probably not at all certain that what they’re doing is right, and your warm praise may make what follows more easily accepted.
“I respect how you’re raising your children.” Find something positive to start the dialogue. Don’t be so sure your advice is necessarily the best way to go. It’s a different world today, remember?
“All parents feel unsure of themselves sometimes.” The 24/7ness of the job guarantees that sometimes you’re going to give less than your best. Keep that in mind when you feel like criticizing.
“Your kids are the best.” No matter what you follow that with, at least your children will understand you’re both on the same side and you both only want what’s best for your grandchildren.
“I’m here if you need me.” Let them know you have total trust in their parenting skills. But that doesn’t mean they have to handle everything by themselves all the time. Remind them you’re there to share the highs and the lows of raising children and the fact that they turned out so competent and loving shows that you know what you’re talking about.
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