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Ten-year-old Eric Xu of Westbury used to start every Saturday at 7 am. By 8 he and his mom Lily were driving an hour away from their home to Chinese classes. Then it was off to a 90-minute swim class. After lunch Eric attended a 2 pm two-hour studio art class. After dinner he practiced drawing until his 10 pm bedtime. “I finally could breathe a little after 10,” says Lily Xu.
This scenario is a typical sign of the new after-school season. One of the benefits of life on Long Island is that we have a variety of enrichment activities to provide our children, from art and music to tennis and martial arts and numerous other options. And the value of these activities is clear: Kids learn a new discipline, make new friends, have fun, build self-esteem, express themselves creatively and become fit.
The goal is to find a balance between daily academics, after-school and weekend activities, playtime and downtime. If your kids aren’t in any after-school programs or sports, they’re open to boredom—and potential discipline problems. On the other hand, if they get too involved in too many activities they can get burnt out.
The “Right” Activity
If you feel your child is ready for extracurricular activities, the first step is to determine which is the right one since there’s such a variety to choose from. If she shows a real interest in something and keeps talking about it each day, this is a good sign that it’s an activity she’ll enjoy.
“Always take the lead from the child and their interests,” says Joe Pando, Ph.D., a school psychologist from East Meadow High School. “Watch what they do in their free time and this will obviously tell you what they like.”
Enjoyment is most important, says Toni Francavilla-Klingler, Ph.D., a school psychologist from the Bay Shore School District. “If they’re having fun, it’s probably right for them now. Keep in mind that they don’t necessarily have to excel at it.”
Another way to foster an interest in a particular activity is to expose your child to something your spouse or an older sibling is already involved in. This can range from sports, such as basketball, golf, soccer or softball to painting, dance or karate.
Age-Appropriate Activities
Be sure to select an age-appropriate activity for your child. Some parents bring their children to a gym class when they’re just three years old. Some teach them to swim at age two. Keep in mind that there’s a “romance stage” for all hobbies where your youngster may be participating in a non-serious, noncommittal and unstructured way. If he begins to show signs of real talent or a deeper interest, then the time is right to enroll him in a structured program.
However, if your child’s under four, don’t make a huge financial investment in the activity. We’ve all heard stories of child prodigies who seem to take up a sport or instrument while still a toddler. Tiger Woods, for instance, was hitting shots at 11 months. But that’s not typical. Go by the natural instinct your child’s showing. As a rule, any involvement before puberty will tend to be more relaxed and playful. After puberty things often get more serious.
But don’t pull out your checkbook right away. Find out if there’s a trial class or session first so he can have first-hand experience, get a feel for the teacher or coach and see who else is involved. He has to feel comfortable and look forward to returning before you invest in signing him up.
Over-Scheduling
At the same time, over-scheduling can quickly become a problem for any family, especially when your child seems to enjoy more than one activity.
In addition to your own stress about shuttling your kids all over, it’s important to look for signs your child’s anxious as well. Children who are overscheduled may develop insomnia, have trouble concentrating with their school or homework or become cranky. At the extreme, they can suffer fatigue, illness or injury. If you see after-school activities are causing problems and stress and even burnout or when school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut down.
On the other hand, they can easily become addicted to their sport or art and will insist on doing it to excess. They need a balance. Downtime is crucial to childhood. (See Free Play on page TK.) Sometimes they need some time off from their sport or art, says Dr. Pando. “They shouldn’t be doing their doing their hobby every day.”
Either way, it’s time for a family conference during which you and your child set priorities together. Sometimes you just have to be the one to set the limits, like one sport per season. Not only does re-evaluating their schedule save everyone’s sanity, it also teaches children the valuable lesson of managing their time.
It certainly helped Lily and Eric Xu. Lily says she was exhausted every Saturday transporting Eric from one activity to the next. Eric wasn’t happy having to take on one lesson after another on his weekend. “I made changes in Eric’s schedule because I just couldn’t do it anymore,” she says. “Saturdays were reduced to running from appointment to appointment and I was way too tight and too tired. When I suggested to him that we cut down he said fine. I think he was running all over the place to please me.”
When asked, Eric was clear he wanted to give up the Chinese classes. Instead he now does what he loves, swimming and art. That’s a reasonable compromise; it’s wise to be flexible in regard to these types of struggles, because sometimes the initial hobby wasn’t the right choice.
To Quit or Not to Quit
At some point you may have the opposite problem, that your child’s balking that she has to go to soccer practice when she’d rather be home or he may refuse to practice piano saying he hates it. Is this a battle you should fight or let them give up on their activity?
Once you’re assured the issue isn’t over-scheduling or some deeper problem with the adult in charge of the activity, it’s best to encourage them to stick it out.
“I always tell parents that to teach commitment is good,” says Dr. Francavilla. “If they don’t want to start up next year, that’s fine. But when they start a season, they should finish the season.”
And while it’s natural for children to lose interest in a particular hobby or activity that they were excited about just months ago, Dr. Pando suggests helping kids replace the hobby they’re leaving with another so they have the opportunity to try something new.
Above all, foster reality for your child. We live in the era of famous athletes who earn fortunes by playing a game. And that prompts kids to fantasize that their sport or hobby will bring them fame and fortune, as well. This usually doesn’t happen, but it can imbue the hobby with desperate striving. Instill in your children the value of playing a sport or creating art in an informal situation, which can be equally satisfying—and fun.
Tom Ferraro Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist located in Mid-Nassau who works with gifted children in the arts and sports. Contact him at 516-248-7189, drtferraro@aol.com or visit drtomferraro.com. |
