Welcome to Dad’s Corner.  Each of my columns focuses on particular “fatherhood” issues, as well as suggestions on how to address them.  I’ll also provide links to other sites for further reference, where possible.  I definitely welcome your own comments and advice as well. Together as fathers, we’ll share our thoughts on how best to guide our children, nurture them and support them along the way.

Six year old Tara Goldstein has attended her share of daytime “Mommy and Me” groups and arranged play dates with her friends since she’s been born.  The only difference has been the parent she most often attends them with – that would be her father, Doug.

Doug Goldstein is one of an estimated 159,000 stay-at-home dads, according to the latest data on America’s families and households released by the U.S. Census Bureau.  That number doesn’t take into account the past year’s economic decline, where some fathers took over the role as primary caregiver to their children after being laid off, while their spouses went back to work.

A sales representative prior to becoming primary caregiver, Doug’s choice of becoming a stay-at-home dad was primarily financial.  At the time Tara was about to be born, he and his wife Gina determined that Gina’s income made it more attractive for her to go back to work and for Doug be the primary caregiver.  Soon after, Gina returned to work and Doug began taking care of Tara full-time.

Initially, the Valley Stream resident felt the hardest part of the transition was the social adjustment needed to thrive as a stay-at-home dad.  “I think the transition to becoming a full-time parent is extremely difficult for a man because you don’t have any social networking set up,” said Doug.  “Women with children often have friends who are about the same age or at similar points of life – either already having kids or about to have a kid – so there’s a natural kinship.  Initially as a stay-at-home dad, you neither have kinship with the mothers doing it nor the fathers who are still working.  You’re kind of between both worlds.”

What helped Doug immediately was both his commitment to taking on his new role and making sure he did not isolate himself in the house to do it.  Once Tara was ready, Doug immediately found opportunities for him and his daughter to be active, like taking walks and doing other fun outdoor activities.  Later, he made sure they participated in play dates and “Mommy and Me” groups. These first experiences with Tara were a bit weird, since Doug was often the only dad among other parents attending. 
 
“To be honest, I didn’t really care about myself being accepted into the group,” he said.  “I just didn’t want her to lose out because she had to go on a play date with dad instead of mom.  That was my biggest concern.   But generally, all of my kids are very well socialized and outgoing, have been central to a lot of playgroups and have been socially active.  I certainly don’t think they missed out on anything.”

Another important part of his transition to being a stay-at-home dad was being open to ask for assistance.  “Like other aspects of parenthood, it’s always harder than you think it’s going to be,” said Doug.  “It’s not as simple as, ‘Oh, I’m just going to quit my job and take care of my kids, and I’ll be happy as I was before.’  That’s why if you do feel overwhelmed, you need to ask for help.  If you don’t have kids, the only person you punish when things get hard and you don’t ask for help is yourself.  Now, if you don’t ask for help, you’re going to punish your kids too.  That’s the last thing you want to do as a caregiver.”

Today, Doug continues to be a stay-at-home dad to Tara, along with their three and half year old son, Matty and 15-month old daughter Julianne.  He’s also encountered many more stay-at-home dads along the way, with some facing the same issues when he started.  That’s one of the reasons Doug founded his own local stay-at-home dad networking group, Nassau County Dads.  The group offers other Long Island stay-at-home dads the opportunity to meet and set up playgroups, activities, and field trips for the children and fathers to enjoy – along with being an opportunity to speak with other dads if they are having issues.

 “If you do become a stay-at-home dad, whether it’s voluntarily or by circumstance, realize that is important that your children see you embracing the role,” he said.  “Your kids pick up more than you can ever imagine and will notice if this is not what you want to do.