A National Education Association study estimates that 160,000 children miss school each day because they’re afraid of being attacked or intimidated by other students—whether it’s done physically, verbally or impersonally through social networking sites. The impact that bullying has on a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence can cause her to become withdrawn, depressed or even face increased altercations with other kids.
As fathers, there’s no doubt that we want our children to stand up to such behavior. But the key is to make sure we understand the most effective ways for our child to confront the situation, and not to dismiss it as just another part of “growing up” or having to “act tough.”
“Many times you have parents, specifically dads with sons, that want their kids to fight back and not get pushed around,” says Anthony Ferrandino, drug and alcohol counselor at Northport/East Northport School District. “While our first reaction as dads may be to tell our children to take care of the situation head on without help, it doesn’t address what the long-term issues of being bullied may have caused.”
Ferrandino shares the experience of John Halligan, a Vermont father who spoke to students at East Northport and Northport Middle Schools on bullying and cyber-bullying among teens. Halligan’s 13-year-old-son, Ryan, committed suicide after being bullied and cyber-bullied constantly. When he first learned of Ryan being bullied, Halligan enrolled his son in a self-defense program so he could better learn how to protect himself. But by that point, Halligan didn’t realize the emotional toll cyber-bulling had already taken on Ryan—nor did he recognize the warning signs that would make him believe Ryan would take his own life.
For these reasons, Ferrandino encourages dads to take any bullying seriously, and to address it in a constructive manner. “As a dad, you have to be careful of using words or phrases that cut off emotions, like ‘suck it up’ or ‘what are you crying for?’ Any statements that cut off emotional responses to bullying are not healthy. We want to elicit them, not curtail them.”
Dads should also present non-violent, anti-bullying solutions to their children. Does this mean that your kids shouldn’t stand up for themselves? No. But you should clarify what that phrase means, in terms of searching out school officials, counselors and other professionals to help address the situation and your child’s feelings, and to make sure they have your support along the way.
Ferrandino adds: “You need to have an open dialogue with your kids so that you’re always aware of what’s going on with them. Without it, you’ll never know how embarrassed they felt when their friends saw a derogatory comment about them on Facebook, or how it affected them after other kids left a lunchroom table once they sat down. You’ll never know how damaging those experiences may be.”
Michael A. Casano is an award-winning journalist whose work has appeared in numerous print and online publications. Prior to writing "Dads Corner" for Long Island Parent Online, he wrote a column on "Raising Multiples" for Newsday's Parents & Children magazine. In addition, Michael is a playwright, with a number of his plays performed throughout the country - including here on Long Island. He also developed material for Sesame Street as a freelance writer for the Children’s Television Workshop. Michael lives in Greenlawn with his wife, Donna, and their children, Ryan and Katie.
Anthony Ferrandino suggests these tips for fathers if their son or daughter is being bullied:
Start the discussion early. It’s never too early for dads to discuss the concept of bullying and to make sure their sons or daughters feel comfortable coming to them if they find themselves in such a situation. Just make the conversation is age-appropriate, so the concept won’t go over their heads.
Use examples from the news. Sometimes the best way to lead into a conversation about bullying is to cite a recent news story on the topic. It’s often easier to say, “Hey, did you read about this?” or “What did you think after seeing that story?” to get the dialogue started.
Don’t hesitate to report any incidents happening at school. You must make school officials aware if your child is being bullied during the school day. A simple phone call to the principal can lead to a number of staff members following an incident and then monitoring how severe and frequent the incidents are with your child.
Monitor your child’s activities on social networking sites. Cyber-bullying has developed from the immediacy and anonymity of the web. For this reason, you should keep your child’s passwords and codes at hand so you can check occasionally to see how they are interacting with friends and, more importantly, if they are being teased or treated poorly after posting comments.
Encourage your child to speak with others. Sometimes, children are just not comfortable speaking with their parents about being bullied. In general, make them aware that you’re not offended if they want to speak with other professionals—such as school guidance counselors, social workers and psychologists—as long as they keep you in the loop as to what they are doing. The more support your kids have in their lives to deal with these issues, the better they will be able to handle them.
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