“The Brady Bunch” was one of the first TV sitcoms to present a successfully blended family.  Unlike Mike Brady, many stepfathers aren’t able to forge such a strong bond with their “stepchildren” so quickly.  Instead, there may be many challenges along the way, especially if your wife’s children have difficulty accepting you as a parent figure because they’re either close to their biological father, or if their father has recently passed away.

Jeff West can certainly relate to these challenges.  When the East Williston resident married his wife 12 years ago, she already had two children from a previous marriage.  While his relationship as a stepfather to them has grown over the years (the kids are now in their early twenties), initially there was some confrontation.

“At first, our older child was much more defensive and less accepting of me,” says West.  “As we moved forward, I tried my best to team with my wife to see how I could work with the rules she’d already established with the kids so we could all be on the same page.  The goal wasn’t to set me up as the ‘bad guy’ coming in to change things, which can happen – and often be magnified – as a stepfather.”

Whether you’re adapting to work with your wife’s existing parenting style – or developing new ground rules together – it’s essential that everyone understand that these “house rules” are supported by both mom and dad.  Most family therapists, psychologists and other parenting experts note, however, that it will be your responsibility to carry out these rules once established, so that your stepchildren recognize your authority.  They may not like you doing so at first, but they must learn to respect the fact that you hold just as much weight when it comes to making the tough decisions as part of their upbringing, like any other parent.

By the same token, you can’t fade into the background when it comes to taking an active role in your stepchildren’s lives.  You may be a stepfather, but you’re also the “day in/day out” father in the household.  That means you should also be ready to help them through emotionally difficult times – even if you may not be their first choice.  And, you should be the one gladly attending their dance recitals, Little League games or concerts.  That’s an important part of showing how much you care.

The way you treat your stepchildren’s mother in front of your stepchildren also goes a long way to showing your emotional commitment to their lives.  If you continually show affection and respect to your wife, that obviously will be seen in a positive light, since her children want to make sure their mom is happy as well.  In addition, it’s also important not to speak ill of their biological father in front of them – even if he has treated them poorly or compromised your ability to establish your own expectations for the kids at home.

Overall, let your actions speak louder than words when it comes to being a stepfather.  That’s the best way you can build lasting relationships with your stepchildren and make your new blended family a success.