Welcome to The Blended Family.  I was a single mom of three for 10 years.  Anyone who is or has been a single parent fully understands the implications; you adore your children and do everything in your power to help them develop and grow in a healthy and safe environment. At the same time, you’re solely responsible for taking care of your own needs. It can be a difficult balancing act.  But raising my children on my own has been the most rewarding and fulfilling challenge I’ve ever taken on.  Until now, that is. If you’re currently also part of a blended family, you understand the hurdles to overcome: each of the two families that are blending bring their own personalities, family rules, boundaries and issues to the table.  So here we'll explore the ongoing dynamics of blending families through my personal  adventure. And I hope you share your own stories, comments, questions, concerns, with me and other readers as we move along.

While I was still a single parent several years ago, I used to regularly watch a cable TV show called Shalom in the Home.  Shalom means peace. The premise of each episode followed a formula in which Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, an Oxford-trained theologian, philosopher and author, would help different families overcome their problems.   

One particular episode featuring a blended family from Long Island consisted of a stressed out, snarling and screaming matriarch.  No matter how much of an effort her second husband and blended kids put into their various chores, it was never good enough for the mom.   So she’d lash out in frustration morning, noon and night, becoming the very embodiment of the wicked step-mother stereotyped in children’s books and movies.  

At the time, I had no idea I would one day be part of a blended family myself, but the cringe-worthy  way in which the mom treated the rest of her family members struck a nerve.  Fortunately, with patience, kindness and understanding, Rabbi Shmuley showed the hostile mom that the real issues behind her anger weren’t the dirty dishes in the sink or the crumbs on the kitchen counter.  The real issues were her fear of losing control of the household.  No longer a single parent in charge, she now had to contend with a new husband, his kids and hers, plus a whole new set of unchartered territory in regard to family rules, values and boundaries.   Looking back now, I can’t say I blame her for being fearful – blending families can be a terrifying experience once these very issues and then some, come into play.  But the way in which she was expressing her fears was creating havoc with her new family.  So once Rabbi Shmuley made her see why she was reacting to everyday stresses in such a hostile fashion, he also made her see that hollering is actually the fastest way to alienate step-children. 

I remember watching this episode and pitying her family members. But I have her and Rabbi Shmuley to thank for showing me, way in advance, how not to be.  So since blending two years ago into a family with five teenagers – three of my own and two steps, I try to curb my impulses to holler at the kids when things don’t go my way in regard to housework and other household issues.  After all is said and done, stepmothers have been stereotyped for centuries as ogres. So we, of all family members, have to take extra measures to make sure that as Rabbi Shmuley says, we maintain Shalom in the Home. 

Quick Tip:  
Whenever issues start to get out of hand in our blended household – no one is contributing to after-dinner clean up; shoes are stacking up by the doorways; lights are left on overnight; etc. – much to the chagrin of our five teenagers, we call a family meeting.   They balk and try to get out of the meeting. But I can assure you, our family is always closer after these problem-solving get-togethers.  Yours will too.