Welcome to The Blended Family.  I was a single mom of three for 10 years.  Anyone who is or has been a single parent fully understands the implications; you adore your children and do everything in your power to help them develop and grow in a healthy and safe environment. At the same time, you’re solely responsible for taking care of your own needs. It can be a difficult balancing act.  But raising my children on my own has been the most rewarding and fulfilling challenge I’ve ever taken on.  Until now, that is. If you’re currently also part of a blended family, you understand the hurdles to overcome: each of the two families that are blending bring their own personalities, family rules, boundaries and issues to the table.  So here we'll explore the ongoing dynamics of blending families through my personal  adventure. And I hope you share your own stories, comments, questions, concerns, with me and other readers as we move along.

Joining two families is a highly emotional event, for everyone involved – the adults and the kids. But right away there are many practical issues to attend to, which I found overshadowed the joy at times.  Before Glen and I moved in together with our kids, for example, we had to make decisions about who would sleep where in his house.   When we were still single parents, all of our kids had been fortunate enough to each have their own bedrooms.  But Glen’s house only had four bedrooms. There were now five kids and two adults.  Was it right for the kids to be forced to share rooms once we were all one family? 

We mulled over this question for several weeks, but my mom-instinct kept nudging at me:  blending families had the potential, in and of itself, to generate countless family problems.  So at all costs, my gut told me, we should try to give the children reasons to celebrate, not to be angry and resentful, about our new life.

Glen agreed, so we decided to add two small rooms in part of the garage for my twins Mallory and Jessica, who are away at college, coming home on holidays and breaks.   It was an expensive endeavor, and wholly worth the result.   But we quickly faced another issue:  one of the children’s bedrooms had served as a guest room before we moved in together.   That room housed a queen-sized bed, which my step-son Eric swiftly laid claim to, since he was the one relocating to that room.   My oldest daughters, however, balked.  They’d been asking for larger beds for years.  Why should the youngest kid now have the luxury of a queen, when everyone else had to sleep on a twin bed? 

Friends and family laughed when we explained our latest dilemma.  “Big deal, it’s just a bed!” most of them exclaimed dismissively.   And I’d agree under normal circumstances.  But when you’re blending, every little issue has the potential for growth.   So how did we resolve this one?  Stay tuned ….

Quick Tips:
When blending families, it’s a really good idea for find a reliable family therapist who has experience in this particular area.   Ours, Dr. Patricia Dowds of the Family Therapy Institute in Smithtown, has become an invaluable source when issues arise.    One of the best tips she gave us right off the bat:  It’s best if all of the children involved in a blend start off on the same level playing field.   So while all of our children’s bedrooms range in size – Eric has the largest, and he has his own bathroom, for instance – what’s important is that they all have their own place to call home within our home.